i don't know if this entry will offend anyone.. but i just want to type it out somewhere.. to vent out what i have been feeling and thinking about myself..

felt that i have not been understanding enough.. that i keep demanding for what i want without thinking about how others might feel.. my sensitivity towards others just seem to have dropped or something.. i don't know.. what has finally triggered me to this wake up call or thought? a chat with beat 2 days ago..

i was asking her when will we be watching "a series of unfortunate events" together.. and she said on friday.. but she said that she has to go back to school for her cca stuff.. to paint banner for some particular event.. then i ask her if she could roughly set a time so that maybe i can get an idea of what time slot are we catching for the movie.. then she said,"i don't want to tell you a time and then after that i go back on my word and make you angry again over ACC stuff." wow,what a bomb.. a wake up bomb..

what had happened then? well, there was this day when we were suppose to go out,i guess.. and suddenly she told me that she has ACC matters to attend to and may be late or something.. and i just blew, with the angry thought of why is it that everytime when i'm going out with her, there will always be ACC matters popping out of nowhere.. and i complained like dunno what to practically every person around.. of course, i guess this blow out of mine has caused some unhappiness.. hope that she has accepted the apology i gave her..

and now that i think back, it was very childish thinking of mine.. and very insensitive as well.. why is it that i have those kind of thinking, those insensitive thoughts? i don't know.. and this time, her words just keep ringing in my head.. just keep reminding me of my mistake and to change.. and what's the next worse thing about tommorow's trip? she told us on monday that she will be going out for the whole of this week and she does not have much time to study or dunno do what.. cannot remember.. and i'm still going out with her tommorow.. somehow i just feel like cancelling the trip so that she can rest,but will she agree? now, there is this hurt.. this hurt that cannot be describe by words.. or is it guilt? i don't know.. i feel as if i had just caused her to be more tired, to simply go with what i say.. what i want.. why have i become like that? so childish, so insensitive..

maybe it's time for me to grow up.. to learn how to treat people better.. to know how to deal things better.. to understand people more.. to just be more understanding.. be more understanding.. who can help me? help me to get rid of this guilt, this hurt that i have brought upon myself, and move on..? who..?